Rain

Awaken at night
I glance at the window
Dark clouds everywhere
And thunder one could hear

A drop of water rolls down my cheek
Where are they from?
I wipe, and a little stream forms
I am weak after all

Dewdrops on windows, drop by drop
I tell myself, it's going to be fine
Close your eyes
And the rain will be over soon


What should I do?
The rain becomes heavier
And my heart aches more

What can I do?
I look around, all I see is you
I can no longer hold it in



1153am
22/11/2017
Bintulu

My Imagination

I want the fall
To be the way I want
I wish the gingko leaves to be half-red
And half-yellow
I wish the maple leaves to be half-red
And half-sky blue
I desire the fields to have
The colours of the rainbow
And flying dragonflies
To be green, blue, and yellow
And frogs are croaking
With big eyes
Sing by the pond
On a rainy first day of fall


Still, I'm left with a broken heart
For what I want, wish, desire
Remains true
In my imagination


Borrowed, 637pm
Bintulu

The Boy/The Girl

The boy,

          He thought he knows the world
          That he is not afraid to sleep alone
          For problems he drowns with alcohol
          And bruises mend with smiles


The girl,

         Appears abruptly
         Four feet tall, she moves the world
         Though clumsy, with shaky hands
         She cruises through, strong and bold


Yet just another day, he speaks to himself,
No heavens amaze him, no dreams too great to fight,
Yet that day, he knows he is done for,
For his senses and soul, lost to the scent of that one cologne

And that's the day the boy meets the girl.


Written 1147
Paragon Bintulu
9/11/17

N x S

We are like magnets,
Lovable pieces,
With unique faces,
Much affection,
Much attraction,
Much inseparable between us

Leaves fall, flakes melt
That night,
Not a single star in the sky
You turned around
We grew apart
We became strangers



7/11/17
Prescribed in KL
Grand Millennium
2134

Wholeheartedly

You read it
But I doubt you'll know what is it
Wholeheartedly, an adverb
Divine, yet undefined
A mother's love towards her child
Or a man writing his vow for his bride-to-be
Or simply
Devotion of a gardener and his farm
Passion beamed by a conductor in an orchestra
Dedication of educators that know no boundaries
We are all, had, been on the same vessel
To give all out
And expect no returns
Solely it's worth it
Solace found in eluding fears and scars
Fuels the only desire
With never ending
Yet always gratifying
Sense of belonging
To love loved.



Scribbled Tower 1 Level 60
1825 6/11/17

Waste

I’ve not changed
Loving you has been a thing for long
You better be all set
I’ve no plans to quit this

Maybe I lack aspirations
As well as not having anything else to do
At least I feel treasured
To have someone to love

I have a lifetime to waste anyway
I believe, the ending is near
You will fall for me eventually

Perhaps I like to be wasted by you
To love someone else will just be a waste of effort
It would be better to waste my happiness with you forever, right?

-
Perhaps I am not waiting for the day she loves me
But for the day when I will not be waiting anymore
-

Level Ten

*

"Hi"

"I need a good friend tonight. Would you be so kind to chat and chill with me, you know, downstairs at lobby or at the garden, wherever, just to catch up on things, and perhaps eat this delicious little sweet green tea flavored cheese cake I brought?

I smile. To the mirror. Thinking myself it will do.

I step out from the car. After few light footsteps forward, I stop, undo, going back my car, reaching at the door handle, just to make sure I've locked it. I have to juggle between McDonalds takeaway on my left hand, and Chris Allen's Life of Paws on the other hand. Oh, the main character, the cheese cake, nicely in the red box labeled Secret Recipe.

"Alright, in the bag, buddies. Sit nicely there" I murmur to myself, while trying hard to look sane. It must be visually disturbing to be seen conversing with foods.

By just few minutes, I reach the ground floor of her apartment. Pushing the entrance door, a male, presumably Korean, walks past. We share glances. He has his eyes on my buns, and by buns I mean burgers, and I quickly lash at him by narrowing my eyes. He quickly bolts off.

I am now in front of the elevator. For some God-knows-what-it-is reasons, I couldn't lift my miserable weak fingers to press the button.

"She is just a friend." I thought to myself. "A friend, and you need a company to have your dinner. What could have gone wrong? It's only 9.05 p.m. Not too late."

Angel Ming magically appears:
"No, it's awfully wrong" . "What in the name of hell are you doing, in this ungodly hour? For God's sake, she has a boyfriend, leave her alone!"

I ignore my inner "subconscious". I let him screaming by himself in vain.

I lift my fingers, yes they are moving! For crying out loud, was that so hard?

And it pauses mid-air again.

"Darn Ming, just turn around and go back"
 
I hear my subconscious from far, being held captive in my mind's prison.

Another voice appears:
"You are already here, why not just go and say hi?"

No, no, no. Not now, you Devil Ming.


**

"Okay, three more levels to go"

I never succeed to press any buttons. No elevator doors are opened. I decide to trouble my legs instead. So I make up my mind to use the staircase. This should give me a plenty of time to gather my manly courage, or to juggle between my stupid, dumb inner thoughts.

'LEVEL 9'

Oh boy, this is it. I'm there, I'm going to be there, few more steps.

Just right at the moment when I'm about to crack open the door, my courage plummets to its deepest low.

Devil Ming:
"Be a man, surprise her. Wake her up from her sleep!"

Angel Ming:
"Why don't you try texting? At least she's prepared for what's coming"

Good idea Angel Ming. You're such a great help.

-------------
Hey, I'm nearby your place. Just landed, from airport and I got myself a dinner takeaway, lazy to head back home and hungry, wonder if I could, have it at your place with your company?
-------------

"There, sent!"

I'm not proud at all. Where are my guts? I wonder if I have any to begin with. Resorting with mobile texting is definitely not the sharpest technique in the drawer.

Devil Ming:
15 minutes passed. Tick tock tick tock.
 
Angel Ming:
Perhaps she's busy. Don't worry


Maybe I'll just wait at the ground floor. I might stand a chance to bump her there if she's returning home from outside.

I begin my descent down the staircase. I do hope my food packs are alright. And the fries, the fries are definitely soft and soggy by now.

I find myself a place to rest my tired ass. I flip Life of Paws, towards the page I bookmarked. Making a stare on my phone screen, with no notifications still.

I slump myself into the world of cats, while on the wait.


***

"Page 122" I mumble.

I put down the book, stand up and perform some minor stretching on my aching body.

The watch displays 11.05 p.m. Is she already asleep? Or is she away? Questions yet questions play in my mind.

I glance at the cake box. I start to worry.

Devil Ming:
Give up you loser.

I start to walk around aimlessly. Some house residents begin to notice my walkabouts, with worried face. I must have been a weirdo the whole night.

"Ding"!

I quickly snap myself out from of imagination. Reaching my pocket for my phone, I quickly unlock the screen.

----------
Hi there.

You're back. I'm sorry I'm not at my place now. On a trip to Kuala Lumpur.
----------

My heart feels dreadful, a sinking Titanic, upon hitting an iceberg.

In silent, I chew my burger and fries. I was hungry after all.

Angel Ming:
Don't worry. Better luck next time.

I toss the food waste into nearest bin, pack my stuffs together, and the cake box, dejectedly making my way back to my car.

I flash out my cell, begin typing a few words.

-----------
Great!

It 's a shame I can't meet you tonight. I guess some other time.
-----------

'Click'

I open up the passenger's door, and carefully place a bag of stuffs. Before driving away, I reach into my trousers pocket once more, and a small piece of paper is taken out.

I look at it for few seconds, unwind the window, then toss it out to the ground, before driving away.


****

             I like you.

              I know you are seeing someone.

            But just for tonight,

             Would you be mine?


****

Heartfelt experience,
Bintulu, 16th August 2017

A Thief

Been asked a lot,
"What I am waiting for?"
Seasons passed, flowers wilted,
"Isn't that enough?"

Tears flow, again,
Dripping slowly to the hole at my chest
"Where are you, thief?" I plea
"Return my heart to me"




Intercontinental, KL
921pm

Something new about four

Four sentences, four lines
For feels, for breaks, for wrecks
Challenge I think to myself, bring it on
"I still am hoping" is all four words I could


952pm
Bintulu Kemena

Sofa, Soda, Sundae, Sonia

Pen and heart

My pen
Inside the drawer of my heart
Must have been years since I last wrote
Or scribbled in the field of feels
I hate it when it grows strong
They call it gay, I agree myself
But, hey
I try to cry out loud, to no avail
Let the ink replace, the missing tears
Be the paper, as my pillow
And the evening
Disperse away with dust
To be awaken for another day



Written in Miri,
1123am, 14/2/2017